Category: thisnthat

my sister is sixteen years old.

I can’t believe that! I can actually remember being that age. those were clear memories, strongly formed and pressed into my identity, so fundamental in shaping who I am now. I can remember some of the ways I thought back then, remember those things and events I thought were significant in my life, and all the mini-dramas and hopeful dreams that whirled around in my young mind. I am finally realize that the life my sister is leading now will have similar impact on who she is as well. Well, duh, she’s been living life and remembering life all this time. She’s grown tremendously in the past few years, taking on a level of maturity that is fitting for her age, and a practical optimism that reflects kindly on her nature and how she treats her friends. I’m quite proud of my sister. I’m in disbelief that she is where I was five years ago, taking those little steps to adulthood. It’s my LITTLE SISTER. It is the girl who made my parents learn the difference between the Backstreet Boys and NSync three years ago, who whined about wanting to go to a slumber party 6 years ago, who stole my pink care bear Hugs away from me 12 years ago.

I wonder how my parents feel about my sister and me when they look at us. They too are growing, changing. They are people too. People watch their loved ones grow and change, marvel at what’s happened, wonder what went wrong, etc. Maybe I’ll be there in 30 years, thinking the same thing about my friends, my sister, my parents, my children.

One can only hope that things turn out best for your loved ones, through all the things that might fly into their way. Life is so uncertain when you think about it: indeed, so much comes through hard work, but a lot also comes through luck as well. Who knows where one will find oneself?

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began…

‘”It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door,” he used to say. “You step into the Road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to…”‘

Iistening to sappy love songs is a really dangerous thing.

I mocked the practice in high school, when sappy love songs were rampantly abundant. I rolled my eyes at an ex-boyfriend of mine who seemed to have an obsession with “love!” He listened to too many Sappy Love Songs, I decided. That was the problem! Kids in high school all had such glorious ideas of love, when quite honestly, it’s not so simple. This was my reasoning in high school. Love is grand, and maybe I was a *bit* of a romantic. But really. Listening to too many love songs gives one that foolish longing to have what that love song is about. There are lots of songs that put the other person on a pedestal too, and to be quite honest, that pedestal business always bothered me. Pedestals just mean there’s further to fall.

So why am I listening to Alison Krauss’s “When You Say Nothing at All” right now? I’m at home, in front of my computer, plinking away at the keys, and Alison Krauss is saying how amazing it is that you can speak right to her heart. She has a wonderful voice, light and airy enough to put a bit of a feather-ephemerity to the song, yet with enough timber to lend it strength. The lyrics are wonderful too! The romantic in me is hooked.

And then practical me comes chiding. “Losing yourself in music again. -cluckcluckcluck-” And what’s wrong with it every once in a while? It would be nice, yes?

So yes.. I’m thinking about him…

His ex called and demanded an all or nothing relationship.. and in the end he said nothing. But she said all the right things to tear him apart.

What does a person in my position do in a case like this? Yes, I do want to be the friend and help him through. At the same time, I don’t want to be the rebound. That’s a terrible place to be in! Look how I reduced my rebound boy in the entry before this one. Quite honestly, he was a really great guy with a lot of terrific qualities. He could be a really wonderful boyfriend to someone (which in fact, he is.. and I’m really happy about that, actually), but he just wasn’t right for me. It’s a crying shame really. Emotions and relationships, reality and desires don’t always mesh to form the happiest union.

… and I’m afraid that this guy and I might find the wrong kind of union. I’m not even sure if I really want a relationship, and how much I would really want to give/get out of it. Plus, do we really click? I think with time, I can grow more comfortable with him, but is the fact that I need to grow more comfortable with him really a good sign?

But.. it’s really nice being with him. I love the way he gazes at me, the way he touches my face with such tenderness, running his fingers along the places where my skin meets the hairline. He has a curious smile, and pretty blue eyes with large pupils. He’s got a little boy in him, the kind who runs up to you, tugs your pant leg, and demands a kiss.

Anyway. I don’t know if I should try to be his friend, if I should just stay away, or what. i’m worried that a friendship will go the wrong way and lead into something else. But I don’t want to blow him off and let him down as a friend.

Tricky decisions… Your comments are welcomed.

I love my family. let me say that first.

I love my friends. let me say that second.

But dammit, maybe I don’t love myself enough. I’m clearly not showing enough love to myself to get out and pursue what I really want to pursue. But what is it I really want to pursue? Time and time again, it goes back to that art of the turn of a phrase. Writing.

You probably wouldn’t guess it from the stuff I have in this blog. I know, most of this blog is mostly ranting and whining and run on sentences, like this one, but I have a bit of a literary bent to me. I was an ASPIRING JOURNALIST back in high school, and more and more do I hark back to those days of wanting to do journalism. I was so inspired for a while, caught up in the joy of connecting with people and sharing the stories of people’s lives with the rest of the world. I saw a magic in online journalism, using sight and sound and words to tell a story in that much more depth and character. Journalism is a very human pursuit, one tied closely to the seemingly mundane and cheeky aspects of this thing we called life. It’s the human aspect that makes journalism worth doing, the stories we tell each other that tie us together and give meaning to our lives. I see it as a very noble and worthwhile thing to do.

If you couldn’t tell, I have a slightly idealized vision of journalism is. But yes, I am aware that it is very difficult. Writing in itself is a challenging task: finding the right words to convey the exact emotion, the right tone for the story, shedding just the proper light and understanding a thing the way it is meant to be understood.. well, it’s easy to cobble together a sentence or two, tricky to put together a meaningful yet compact paragraph, and a triumph to string together a truly high quality article. Journalism is very hard. It is very stressful, there are lots of deadlines, lots of really shitty stories to be covered, lots of terrible people to deal with — both in and outside of the office — and a fairly thankless job. It also doesn’t pay very well, depending on where you’re working. People are in journalism because they love it, not for the money. And, of course, there are the people who find that they no longer love journalism and feel stuck doing something they don’t like that doesn’t pay well anyway. It’s all the more tragic because it’s a field that most people need to pay their dues to succeed. Interning at crappy papers in remote location. Being an errands grunt for some faceless editor. Some people go along thinking this is for them, and at a certain point, after all the hard work, feel like they come up empty handed.

More and more, I’m realizing that this is a chance I’d be willing to take. I’ve already gone through my period where i’ve lost my love for the art, and still (maybe like a bad boyfriend) I keep coming back. One thing that’s stopping me (and I’m realizing this is a stupid excuse) is that i’ve been out of the loop for a couple of years and I feel like it’s too late to get back in the saddle. Well, screw it! I’m going to get back in and see what I can do. There’s no point in moping about what you can’t do.. you can only just go out and do it. I complain and whine far too much, and really, I just need to shut up.

So, if you folk know of any place that needs writers, feel free to give me a holler. I am looking for work experience, and this time around, there ain’t no backing down.

there’s something about a “sleep smell” of a room.

Maybe it’s because you notice a difference between how the room you’re in smells and how a new room you enter smells different. Maybe it’s the acclimation making you forget how something actually smells until you leave it and come back. I’m in the living room right now, and I went to the bedroom just now. Jennifer is in there sleeping peacefully. The windows are closed. And the room has a smell.

Is it a stuffy smell? A “this is what the room smells like when the windows aren’t open” smell? or is it a “sleeping people” smell, one that emanates from the nature of simply.. breathing? Is it a Jennifer smell? Or is this just what it smells like when we’re all in the room sleeping, but we don’t notice it when we wake because that’s just how it smells?

I’m a person who’s fairly sensitive to smell. I form a bond with the way a person smells. I never got along with rebound boy because he wore some horrible cologne. However, I do like the way this new guy smells, all citrusy clean. It’s biological, I tell ya!

funny story, also biological. these two female friends of mine are living together. one is on the pill (because her mother’s just insane like that) (and I mean that in the kindest fashion), so she doesn’t ovulate. the other, now no longer ovulates because as well. so this roommate has basically been pms-ing these past three months, and will have to go to the doctor to get a shot to get it started it again. She tells me she is looking forward living with someone else next year because then at least her cycle will swing closer to normal again.

biological story number three. the most children a man has ever had is 1000+. The most children a woman has ever had was 69. Har Har. Thanks to Chris for that tidbit of information.

I’m very confused about some things right now. And this blog is not really helping much.

You see, there’s a lot that happens in my life that I can’t really put in this blog. You all know who I am. You only visit the site because you’re my friend and you have to do the obligatory “oh, she told me her site, so I guess I should check it out sometime… -grimble-”

(by the way, “grimble” is a combination of the words “grimace” and “grumble.” It’s a word I use often, and usually I forget it’s not really a word. If I use it in your presence, I apologize.)

Anyway, this blog is a slightly polished and buffed down rendition of my life. I’ve read strangers’ blogs and gotten more out of them than I’m sure most people have gotten out of mine. I think most people think my site is a list of links — which, especially as of late, it very much has been — but golly… it’s a web LOG after all. it’s supposed to be a JOURNAL, right? but then again, since it’s PUBLIC, I can’t write stuff that my dad might stumble across and read accidentally, yes?

Well, Dad.. if you’re reading this now, you really should stop. go look at Em’s site or something. There’s plenty here you don’t need to know/don’t want to know.

That said, I’m going to plow into my relationship life.

So as a primer, I’ll say that I’ve been in a few relationships, only one of which I consider very serious. (sorry, guys.) I was seeing someone after high school for about two years. It was a tragic long distance affair. We pined for each other across the land that spans from sea to shining sea, with me slumming it up at UCLA and with him hacking away at Johns Hopkins.

It was destined to fail.

Sure, we were pretty compatible. Both of us were on a silly wavelength, where we thought ThumbWars was the most hilarious thing known to man, where we joked about spastic bunnies and “freezing bootocks” and so forth down the lovey dovey trail. We were both kinda computer geeky. I mean, we met because he ran an MP3 search engine and I was bored one day and messaged him out of the blue complimenting him on his site and whatnot. We chatted over ICQ and compared how low our numbers were, and noted their palindromic nature. Heck, maybe after all of that, we were meant to be. Distance, however, is an evil beast that just ruins everything. It is one that cannot be satiated: no matter if you visit each other over spring breaks and winter breaks and long holidays, it’s never enough. Those little daily moments cannot be shared when a person isn’t there, and trying to spell out the nuances of various daily non-events and their seeming insignificance but really significance just doesn’t come across right. pixels strewn across a screen is all they are.

so anyway. my relationships. that one didn’t work out, and I had rebound relationship almost right after it. He was a friend who apparently had been interested for a while, but could never come forward because I wasn’t “available.” And I went with him to Las Vegas to help him clear up a speeding ticket, and after that, he felt like we clicked and we had a shot. Me? I thought he was a nice guy, but totally not my type. He was this tall sorta hulking-ish half chinese/half filipino guy who also wanted to be a journalist. I admired him for that. But the relationship… -shakes head-. It wasn’t intentional.. it just happened. But hey. He was darned good in bed. (and you, rebound of mine, if you’re reading this, there, are you happy now? I finally said it. -wryly-)

Unfortunately, while I was *in* that rebound relationship (I wasn’t very good at ending it.. can you tell?) I met someone I *really* liked. Skinny white boy with weird music taste. Totally sweet, so funny, so cute. We seemed to hit it off so well winter quarter!

Then spring came and messed everything up. Go figure.

Neither of us really wanted a (voice)relationship(/voice), but we enjoyed each other’s company. But that grew less and less as I got invovled with aphio. I did aphio because I wanted to expand my social circle, find a group of friends outside of my roommates, something to restore my faith that there are good people out there, and that not every person who’s my friend is out to get me and has issues with me, etc. Which was nice. I found a group of people I could party with. I met some great folks, and thought I had made some new friends. Pledging was fun… it was nice just being social again. It made any real meaningful social contact obselete. The guy I liked and I started fooling around, which was nice for two young and frisky college kids (har har), but not so great for our friendship. We’d see each other at night, spending the night at each other’s place, but never in the day. It was horrible. And it made things worse for both of us, since we were unhappy about not seeing each other enough and the relationship getting much more physical than originally intended.

The trouble lasted through summer and into fall. We’ve known each other for a little over a year now, and things are still strange. I’m not sure what’s going to happen with it. My friend Agnes and I went to see a psychic while we were in Fremont (see, that’s how boring life there is), and she said that he will always have a place in my life, but we will never be more than friends. Which I’m actually okay with. We’re just too different to really be in a good relationship. I think I need someone more sensitive to my needs, and someone more.. Chinese. I once wrote this beautiful paen to how wonderful I thought he was; now I look back on it and shake my head. There are better fish in the sea, I’ve decided. But I do hope he does well and gets not so confused. And of course I have a soft spot for him…

So after all that “relationship? no. yes. no. I want one! no I don’t!” I’m presented with possiblity three.

Remember that guy I mentioned a few entries ago? Well if you haven’t figured it out, he’s more than a friend. I’m really attracted to him. Who’d a thunk it: some strange person I met on a plane could possibly play a neat position in my life.

I really don’t know what to do with him. So, after we met on the plane, he asked for my number in this most charming accent. I, of course, being a sucker for all things aurally pleasureable (haha), willingly give it to him. I am not expecting him to call.

Three days later, it is Tuesday. The long weekend is over. I get an email from him. It’s a charming email. I think, “boy, is this guy cool. i’m so useless.” I do not respond immediately.

He emails again a couple of days later, this time with a not as charming email, but still quite charming, hoping that I remember him and asking me to respond. I’m still feeling useless and unworthy, so I still don’t respond.

He calls the next day. It’s friday. He endures my scary outgoing voicemail message (“this is PEARL’S VOICEMAIL!!! PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE!! hehehe!”, which has since been changed) and leaves a rather charming message, asking me if I want to go out over the weekend. I am at an ExComm (officers) retreat for Aphio, and I do not get the message till Sunday. The weekend is over. har har.

I feel horrible. He’s emailed twice, he’s called… and I’ve given him no response. And it’s not because I don’t like him. It’s because I like him a lot, and I think I’m an idiot, and I know that he’ll think I’m an idiot as soon as he gets to know me. So, after a couple more days, I email him back, apologizing for my slow response and for not getting the message, and telling him I really do think he’s swell and I’m not ignoring him, etc etc. I leave my AIM/ICQ/cell contacts. And I wait.

I don’t have to wait long. He IMs me later that day. (amazing!) We chat briefly. I mention that my birthday is that Friday and that I’m celebrating. I say he’s welcome to come along. At first he says, “Sure!” The next day he changes his mind, deciding he’s not really up to seeing 30some strangers, but that we should do something this weekend. I agree to call him over the weekend to get together.

So then it’s my birthday (and by now, we ALL know how THAT went). That weekend was the “lost weekend” (and if you know that reference, good on ya! paul muni’s got mad skillz!), so I never did call him.

Monday. We chat online again. I say, “hello! I’m so so so sorry!” He chides me and tells me he spent the weekend cleaning the hardwood floors at his apartment, waiting for a phone call. Ouch.

Fast forward. We finally get together Thursday. It starts out really rough, but by the end of the night, we’re hitting it off rather well. I end up staying the night because it was late and he was too tired to drive me back home. No, there were no shenanigans (you prying folk!). Ok, maybe there were a few. But nothing anywhere NEAR the lines YOU’RE thinking, you perv!

I get back Friday, miss class. He misses half a day of work. I go to my concert that night at the palladium (Gorillaz!).. and afterward I find myself at his place again. I end up spending the weekend there, at his place in redondo beach, just hanging out and enjoying each others company, helping him shop for a dining table for his kitchen (he just moved down to LA), running errands, etc. It’s rather nice. It’s comfortable just being with him. he’s got a bit of a teddy bear presence to him.

Anyway, we worry because this is moving rather quickly. We really like each other.. but honestly. the whole weekend?

His ex calls that week. What timing. Turns out he’d been in a four year long relationship with this one girl from college.. and they’d been apart two months when he met me. They didn’t break up for any real good reason outside of the distance, and now that he was permanently in LA and she was in SJ, I guess she decided that she really missed him, and she still loved him, etc etc.

Fast forward to now.

So this ex wants to pick up where they left off before, which was basically living together, and continue on with their lives and such. He says he’s not sure if he wants that. He says he’s glad he’s met me, and he really wants to get to know me better, but doesn’t know how to tell the ex no. I’m getting the feeling that he doesn’t really want to be in this relationship with her, but they have so much history, it’s hard to look at it and just say no. I can understand this. And really, they’ve shared so much together. He’s guided her along her path and had quite an influence on her. So of course she’s attached. And so is he to her.

And where do I fit in? Well, this I’m not sure. He still wants to see me, be my “good friend” who’s also “more than friends.” I thought that was a nice way to put it. I think I want that out of a couple of my male friendships, primarily with the boy I really liked but never got into a relationship with. I didn’t necessarily want to be a girlfriend, per se.. but I didn’t want to be just another friend to him. And I see that this new guy I like kind of wants to be in that same position….

So I don’t really know how I feel about this. Here are the angles.
– I really like him. He’s a swell guy.
– I’m not looking for a relationship right now anyway. Maybe just a little bit of fun and a touch of drama in my life, but a committed relationship would be no good. I’ve got too much stuff I want to do at this point in my life to have to worry about another person…
– He says he wants to be a good friend on whom I can rely, etc. that “more than friends” kind of friend. Then again… looking at my friends now, I feel as if I already have that sort of relationship. with one of the guys I hung out with all the time last quarter, for instance. I probably could have easily fallen into a relationship with him (we click amazingly well… when I talk about bands like portrait and shai, he knows who I’m talking about), but I was scared. There’s another friend of mine whom I was close to over the summer, and he wanted something but I was really really hesitant. We got along so well — we were on the same goofy wavelength and he’d laugh at my retarded jokes. Great fun for all. But I didn’t feel any spark for him, and I think I’m pretty big on the chemistry business. And then there was another guy toward the end of summer whom I’d met spring quarter and was kind of attracted to. Quite seriously, an all around great guy. funny, understanding, wry… a lot of the things I’d be looking for. Anyway, we somehow ended up making out at a rave (long story, no, neither of us were rolling, and no, I’d never done this before/don’t do this often, so don’t you be getting the wrong idea!!). He messaged me a few weeks after the encounter, and told me he liked me. I was suprised, but felt bad because I didn’t feel the same way for him. I was attracted to him, but for whatever reason, I couldn’t see being in a relationship with him. Go figure. Maybe it was because he’s a year younger than me. Or maybe because I felt like he didn’t really know me all that well, and I wasn’t who he thought I was. It just didn’t feel right.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp So see? I’ve had the friends more than friends thing. it’s tricky business, I tell ya.
– He has a fucking girlfriend. Despite whatever he says about what he wants with me, the fact remains that he has a girlfriend. A clingy girlfriend who would be upset if she knew I was going to see Harry Connick Jr. with him on Thursday. Fuck, that’s something married people do. I was reading Alex’s links and one of them was for Harry Connick Jr. And then I thought, “HEY! I like harry! or at least that one song “She”! I wonder if he’s on tour or anything. And lo and behold, I find out he’s on tour. Idiotically, I ask the guy if he likes Harry too. He says yes. I offer to take him. He says, “ok!”
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Now this is a stupid idea. Why? Because after I download a few more of his songs — with titles like “recipe for love” and “I’ve got a great idea (we should get together)” and all sorts of mushy lyrics — I realize that this concert is for married couples. or at least engaged couples. Secondly, I am also ridiculously strapped for cash this month, considering I’ve lent out probably hundreds of dollars i’m not seeing back, whether from U2 or from paintball, and because I’ve run out of the money I made while I was working. I need to get a job. So all in all, this is a bad idea. And also, again, if his girlfriend finds out (which she will) she will get mad at him (which would apparently not be new, but.. really. minimize the trouble, sheesh.)
– Am I the “other woman”? Or second priority because the guy doesn’t have the balls to dump his girlfriend? Am I being strung along, being played in all of this? then again, I’m also playing him a little bit. so this isn’t bad, is it?
– LIKE I NEED ANY MORE DRAMA IN MY LIFE than a FUCKING LOVE TRIANGLE! whatever. Can you tell i’m a romantic mess right now? See? unfit for a relationship. I think I was in a relationship for too long, and I got screwed up in it. it just does something to a person when a relationship goes bad… and when the next relationship you try to get into flat out doesn’t work. So I’m in a funk where I want a relationship maybe, but i’m really scared to commit but I want someone to commit to me but that’s not fair and augh.

Because it would be nice to have someone to lean on. A gentle voice on the other line lovingly telling you it will all be ok, that he has faith in you and your abilities and that he’ll support you ever step of the way. And one that tells you you’re attractive and adorable and sweet and all the good things about you so that you don’t forget yourself and get caught up in your own headspeak. And one that tells you he loves you and needs you. It would be nice to once again have a voice to call home, a pair of arms wrapped around me, a pair of lips caressing mine, and only mine.

And not that I think this guy will fill the role or anything, but I think that’s how I feel about relationships right now. I want one, but I want it with the right guy and all that.. and then again I don’t really want many people in my life right now. I feel a people overload coming over me. I just want to keep a few friends close, and work on the relationships that matter. I don’t need any more new people I can’t keep straight. And that’s why Aphio is starting to mean less and less to me. I feel like the little grunt, even though I’m not doing a whole lot. I don’t have many close friends in it. I haven’t connected all that well ith anyone except my big sib and my pledge dad. I feel like a stranger to everyone else. So, if I’m such a popular girl and I have 40 people come to my birthday party, then why can’t I develop those friendships? do I REALLY need more people in my life that I won’t have time for? do I REALLY need a relationship where I might end up getting clingy and attached instead of pursuing my own aspirations? I don’t want that sort of thing with this guy.. I just want to keep things light and fun. But then I have my moods, and sometimes my moods say I want more. That would only cause trouble.

AUGHRHGHRHGHRHGH. soooo complicated….

tweet – oops, oh my
apparently, when she appeared on trl, tweet mentioned she was still quite surprised to be receiving so much attention. well, when your record company pays for it, ya damn well better be. too bad her song SUCKS

I hate radio. I hate clear channel. -sob!-

two things.

this is a very boring blog.

why?

because i’m a rather boring person.

sure, I go out a lot. I enjoy my life.

.. but I don’t like talking about my life. no, really, I don’t. I guess i’m much more of the kind of person who’ll just.. let emotion wash over me.. take solace in some happy things, pretend i’m in some happy place, lalala!

so my apologies for my boring blog.

:)
song of the hour: some completely weird stuff greg’s old roommate anoush played for us. it was, in his words, “very arabic arabian music.”
location check: back in Los Angeles
destination of the day: Saddle Ranch on Sunset. I was only there for about half an hour, but it’s a neat place to be.
food of the hour: girl scout cookies. samoans. who’d have thought a cookie named after The Rock’s people would have been so good.
priority of the hour: finishing fliers for aphio. oh dear.

my sister and I took studio pics! take a look. sorry, our scanner is on the fritz, so forgive the crappy scans.
my sister
me
a shot of both of us
another shot of both of us

my friend’s new boyfriend’s mother on her son’s new relationship:
“oh you guys make a cute couple! she’s so cute, and she’s so smart because she goes to UCLA. You guys will make good babies!”