Category: thisnthat

i’m taking a history of the us from the 1960s class with professor corey this summer. i came across this in my textbook from the class:

“Beginning in 1945 and continuing through the 1970s, top medical scientists at government laboratories subjected unsuspecting patients to injections of plutonium and other radioactive substances. Generally these patients were poor, prison inmates, minorities, or already suffering from grave illnesses. Most had no idea of the risks involved. Several hundred pregnant women were offered free pre-natal “care” that included injections of small amounts of plutonium to determine its effects on fetal development. The purpose of many of these experiments was to determine “safe” radiation dosages for workers in the nuclear industry.”
– Present Tense, 2nd Edition, pp. 170-171

My life is much simpler nowadays.

It’s something I’m really happy about. I don’t have drama, I don’t have all sorts of things nagging at me and tugging me in various directions. I don’t have to go to three different meetings every week. I’ve relaxed and convinced myself to not try as hard to be “best friends” with everyone. I’ve really learned to let things go.. or at least disappear so I don’t have to confront them. It’s not that I don’t love people anymore! I just really need to stay sane. 0_o

that said, I’ve also gotten even worse at keeping in touch with people. but the sad thing is… I feel less and less remorse over it. I noticed that someone I considered a very good friend — someone I grew up with — almost never mentions me in her weblog. This is natural… I barely talk to her. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to her. It’s more a measure of “it’s been so long since we talked” but at the same time, “I don’t need to tell you now, all in my blog.” Yet, there’s definitely something different about finding out how people are doing through weblogs instead of by talking to them. weblogs are never the whole truth, only snippets of odd little perceptions here and there. It’s not living life with them, not in the least. You might be getting their deepest thoughts on an issue, but sometimes not their most public. And how does one breach that? And how does one go, “Hey, I read about such and such on your weblog”? What kind of friend keeps tabs on another on that way? =(

This is how I’ve found I work. I have a number of friends I keep track of via weblog since we don’t see each other much anymore, and I have a feeling some of them keep track of me through mine. Every time I see them, it’s the same reminder that I’ve missed so much, that no web journal, no matter how complete, ever can encompass very much about what he or she is really doing/thinking/etc. It makes me a little bit sad. It makes me want to change that situation. But I find… in the recent months, I’ve become both more private and more public in different ways. This weblog is quite public — random people have found me online and said hi — and a bunch of my random thoughts are put out there for everyone to read. Then again, anyone who knows me knows that I tend to talk and talk for a lot of fluff, but will speak very little about things I truly care about. “all mirth” in my everyday conversation, maybe? does that seem fake?

At the same time as this public self is out there, I’m becoming less and less willing to really share myself with most people. I no longer have the assumption of trust. And this really makes me sad. It strikes me as a sort of tragic loss of idealism, some sort of somber realization that not everyone can be your best friend. I might have thought that way in the past, but I feel more numb to it now. Is that sad?

True friendship is hard to find. Finding friendship that is as dynamic as a person is is even harder. It makes one appreciate those true friends all the more. I know I don’t do enough for my friends to really be able to preach that, but they occupy a special place in my heart. I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell them…

on a side note…
I think I’m the kind of person who’s never expected to have really good, lasting friendships. I moved around a bit when I was growing up, so I don’t think I ever successfully navigated that part of my social development. So to those of you who are really my friends (and you know who you are), know that you are the world to me. :) thanks.

oh my goodness. I’m SOOO excited about several things.

1) the release of WARCRAFT III on WEDNESDAY, JULY 3rd. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! I’ve got my pre-order, I’m just waiting for the day!!
2) Coincidentally, this date also so happens to be the anniversary of my infamous accident (ahem). Can you believe it’s already been a year? I can’t say whether this is good or bad, but the fact that it’s been a year, well, that’s something. (Refer to Zoolander: “I don’t listen to his music, but I respect the fact that he’s making it…”)
3) Moving moving moving!
4) the 4th of july! happy happy day!
5) BRAZIL WON THE WORLD CUP!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [goes dancin’ in the street]

things I’m not excited about:
– the new postal rate increase. I had to go to the post office today to get 3c stamps so I could mail off a bill I could have mailed off for 34c LAST WEEK! GRR!
– unpacking my boxes
– unpacking my boxes (no, that’s not a repeat, that’s just how much I’m NOT looking forward to unpacking. I also need to unpack stuff from my HOUSE house too. augh!)
– my commute to school. however, this commute is not without value, since I’m usually quite entertained by my fellow drivers. or at least by the djs on NPR. my gosh. I’m listening to NPR! Dude, it’s damn good stuff. I LOVE KCRW!! :D

… but on the whole, things are good. I’m not going back to fremont to bum around these few months; I’ll be in LA doing both summer sessions (weee). So HEY. if you’re around, drop me a line. I think my email addresses aren’t working, but apparently my guestbook is!! WOW! I didn’t know people were finding me!! Thanks for stopping in and signing it! :D It’s wonderful to know you guys are still around. =)

what you should do:
1. Go download Trillian.
2. Go download the “Microscopic” skin.
3. The smileys make noisies!! The best ones: (b), (bum), and :?
… as if you needed more ways to waste your time. =) but this is fun! I promise!

Salon.com Arts & Entertainment | Will Congress tackle pay-for-play?

“Once a hush-hush topic rarely discussed even within the music industry, “pay-for-play,” the costly system by which record companies pay independent promoters to get songs on the radio, has now become a hot-button political issue.

“Some members of Congress are talking about holding hearings and offering legislation in hopes of tearing down the entrenched pay-for-play system. Not only does pay-for-play cost the music industry approximately $150 million each year, it virtually shuts off access to commercial FM radio for artists or record companies who can’t or won’t spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to promote a new single. Inside the industry, the veil has also been lifted; an entire panel discussion devoted to indie promotion is being put together for the radio industry’s largest annual convention this fall. Meanwhile, ABC’s “20/20″ ran a prime-time segment on pay-for-play, and even the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal have introduced the topic to their readers.”

I got my BRASIL world cup jersey yesterday!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!
(… now I need to learn some brazilian cheers and get some face paint. -grins-)

the US is doing all right… man, our goalie rocks!! I saw the second half of the game with us vs. Korea…we’re doing all right. :) we kind of lucked out having the Koreans make so many mistakes… but we’ll take the point!

unbelievable: defending world cup champ france is already out in the first round.

saw a couple of awfully good movies this weekend.

undercover brother. sharp movie about race relations. deftly picks on that funny phenonmenon of how everyone seems to want to be black! this flick did a sweet job skewing black and white stereotypes and their perceptions of each other, but I would have been even more amused if they had skewed some asian ones too. no matter. this worked wonderfully.

the verdict: run run to see this! this is coming home with me on dvd.

the sum of all fears. I went into this movie with some fears of my own: Ben Affleck is the new Jack Ryan? My loyalty to Harrison Ford would remain stalwart, thank you very much. No little upstart would be able to carry off such an action movie the way Indy could! And indeed I was right — Ben played Jack Ryan with the articulate and knowledgeable way that Tom Clancy’s novels have always deserved, and not the thrill-a-minute fests that Air Force One demanded. Sum of All Fears treated a very frightening issue — the threat of nuclear war — in a taut and tense way that brought the reality of the fear home. The relationship between the young Ryan and Morgan Freeman’s character (which was not in the book) was an effective device in pulling the audience in and driving the story along. The way the film was shot out after a bomb goes off gave the movie an eerie feel, starkly portraying the possible in a frightening manner.

the verdict: nuclear war is scary. refer to NBC movie Fail Safe for another illustration. run, RUN to go see this. this is also going into the DVD collection.

so much for moving.

my parents changed their mind on buying the house, but apparently, we’re still selling ours. don’t ask me how this works because I have no idea. my parents don’t make much sense sometimes!

location status: soon to be in transit. perhaps.
romantic status: quite attached
health status: getting whatever illnesses my family has right now
hunger status: well satisfied. just had dinner, thank you. :)
friendship status: M I A
sanity status: more so than in a while it seems
happiness status: amazingly high.
joys of the month: people are graduating, starting new chapters in their lives! good luck to everyone!

if you didn’t notice, the “mothers of the disappeared” entry was truncated. I’ll fill it in in another blog entry some other time.

anyway, I’m at home in fremont for mother’s day. I did the “good daughter” thing and decided I should come home for that at least. it turns out it was a very good decision for me to come home. why? because APPARENTLY we’re selling this house and moving elsewhere. they were going to tell me about their decision eventually (no, it wasn’t one of those, “we’re moving and leaving you behind~! hahaha!), but it all happened very quickly from what i understand.

I don’t want to move! It’s going to be very strange to be still in fremont, but not in the place where i’ve made my memories, you know? the new place is big… it’s a 4 bedroom place just a few blocks away, on a nice plot of land, a big backyard, and a lot of space in the kitchen for entertaining. Incidentally, it’s where former star MSJ wrestler Randy Katz used to live, right smack across the street from my friend Tiffany’s old house. I really like the place, but it just feels too big! too much space! fall into a closet and you’ll never be found again!

[no, it’s not that big. but it’s about 3 times the space of the place we’re living in now. our place right now is pretty small. we moved there for the schools…]

my dad has a sneaking plan for the house to be what keeps my sister and me close by. my mom thinks it would be nice for there to be three generations of us living in the house together. (say it with me now: awww) we’ll see how that works.

wandering around target the other day, I spied a row of electric can openers. I hate electric can openers. I think they’re incredibly wasteful pieces of human technology. Just think about it: How much goes into that little piece of machinery? It takes resources to produce it, from the plastic that makes up the body to the steel that grinds into your tin can. It takes energy to run the machines putting it together. And once your handy-dandy can opener has broken, it takes a hulking huge garbage truck contributing to the rapidly diminishing supplies of fossil fuels to remove it from the premises and transport it to a landfill, where more machines smoosh it up and bury it in a big hole, where it not only takes up space but can also pollute the water supply. So people, PEOPLE! use a freaking hand can opener. You don’t have to use that little machine. Really.