on moving on with one’s life…
I’m the kind of person who saves all my greeting cards, letters, little encouragements notes, and so forth. I have boxes and boxes of the stuff, and I can’t bear to throw any of it away. My room — you know if you’ve seen it before — is paper madness.
I was sifting through some of it the other day, since I will most likely be moving very soon, and I came across a lot of little notes/cards/postcards/letters that I’d forgotten about. I came across a 3 year old letter from Rex, my Navy friend, about Bosnia, and how afraid he was of what could happen. I came across a little note from my “big sis” Sharon about how she would always be there for me if I needed support, and so forth. I also came across a lot of the notes and cards I’d started to write to people in good faith, but for some reason or another never completed. There was a cute card I picked out for Sharon, about her being a special friend, with the beginnings of a message I was writing to her to thank her for caring, etc. And I felt sad that I never got to send it out, never finished voicing my gratitude, or told her that despite whatever happened, I still respected her.
sound familiar?
Yes, that is how I feel about a former roommate, as well. I was meaning to write her a card telling her my appreciation for putting up with me, and what a cool person she is, etc, etc. at the end of last year, but I wasn’t big enough of a person to be able to do that. my mad procrastinating skillz come in handy too. 0_o and now, I think it is definitely too late. apparently, there’s a lot of shit being thrown around about me, and people’s minds have been tainted with things that are simply not true, or at least scandalous-sounding extrapolations of things about me and my life. it used to bother me a lot.. but now it’s almost amusing where these stories come out. “I did what with who? who is that person? I don’t even know what that is.”
these people don’t know me anymore, and I refuse to be bound by the perceptions of people who seem like they’re just too bored with their own lives and are just far too eager to fuck with other people’s lives. I want to move on. I have a life I want to live. I’ve wasted far too much time and energy last year, not necessarily on people, but in terms of missing opportunities, different things I never got to try, endeavours I’ve missed out on, on things i’d like to do, and so forth. I don’t have time to bloviate my existence anymore. I’m 21 years old. 21! I’ve been around immature people, with fixed ideas, and petty notions of existence, and it’s time to move forward. It’s time to move on.