kinda tired of this blogging business. I’m sort of looking back at these entries and i guess i’m disappointed with what i’ve been blogging. I think as someone growing up in the bay area, i’ve always shunned superficiality, striven (sp?) to be “deep.” I remember trying so hard to be “deep” and possess knowledge and understanding, denying anything that may have smacked of superficiality. I just wasn’t “about” that.
and of course now, I live in los angeles, which is the prime example anyone gives as a location of fake peopledom. and over the years, I guess i’ve fallen more under the spell. i’m more aware of how I dress now, become mildly distressed when a picture of me doesn’t turn out as nicely as I’d like, have an unhealthy addiction to all things sephora (even though I really don’t wear much makeup, i have a weird fascination with it), and take a little more time thinking about what I wear when I go out the door.
all of this sort of.. bothers me. I mean, none of this matters! It doesn’t matter how one looks, just what one achieves. Focusing on appearances only distracts from the substantial. Am I replacing substance with style?
… which would be really funny because I don’t think I have any style. I think i’m very critical and appreciative of when someone else has a good sense of style, but I can’t actually pull anything off myself. My current style is basically looking like a twelve year old. it’s not intentional… it just happens! i guess i’m trying to change that, and I’m having fun with changing one’s appearances and such. i’m just not very good at it!
and it’s not something I often have time to do. It just isn’t practical. I mean… it’s fun, sure.
… but then that other part flares up. “Fun??” it rails at me. “It’s silly! It’s superficial! You’re becoming shallow!”
aaah!!
this was highlighted recently when kipper came to visit. kipp and I were best friends in high school, and both of us have changed quite a bit since going off to college. he went to MIT, I went to UCLA. and our sensibilities have been shaped a lot by our environments. Los Angeles is quite different from the east coast, no question. and LA is a place to have fun. our contrasts are all the more highlighted because of where we’ve done our changing in recent years. sometimes, I feel rather fluffy next to him, and I almost feel guilty for being a little light-hearted (and occasionally, shall we say, light-headed).
aargh. but I’m having fun. am I really discarding my norcal past and becoming a los angeleno?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!