worry worry!!
it’s 10th week.. meaning finals are next week. I have a final wednesday at 8 (groooooan!!) and one on friday at 11. -cringes- plus I have spring break plans to finalize, stuff for summer I need to think about, living situation next year to think about, and some personal issues I need to spend time thinking about. I need to be sane, dammit! and. ahck, I need to call my parents!
all these things to do, all these plans to make… and dammit, I refuse to screw myself over because of poor planning again.
I’ve lately been thinking a lot about my experience at UCLA so far. Being here gnashes you against brick walls, forces you to put those theories you had about life to the test. It’s so easy to speak of what one *should* do in life, but quite another to practice what you preach. I don’t live a simple life, although in theory, I’ve always said I wanted it. and, simply being oblivious to your life doesn’t make it simple – just because you don’t want to see it doesn’t mean it goes away. it takes action to mold things to the way you want them to be, and for too long I’ve been living on autopilot, happily breezing about in my own world, oblivious to what’s around me, oblivious that I hurt people who care about me when I do stupid things, and so forth.
I cannot float about in some sort of pseudo-intellectual miasma filled with theories of the world; I have to live in the world. I can’t preach my idealism if I can’t even apply it effectively in my own life. There’s a lot wrong with the world, but there’s a lot wrong with me too. both need to be fixed, but it all takes time and making difficult decisions…
augh, it’s so easy to be cynical and bitter. I see how my father’s struggled so long to even maintain that edge he has at all. there’s so much in the world that’s just soooo wrong…
I wonder if things would have been different if I went to a different college. maybe if I’d gone to berkeley, I’d be involved with some activist group by now, or worked for a few startup companies… I’d probably have been kicked out of school too. -sheepish- Or UCSD.. I’m *sure* I’d be doing much better academically.. and I’d probably find much more peace… but would I necessarily have been happy?
I think I’m happy here. I love the weather. Still don’t like the smog, but the rain the recent days have been doing a nice job of clearing the air and cleansing the spirit. sunshine is nice. I can wear my birkenstocks for the better part of the year. being able to wear a sundress in march feels wonderful. so is strolling down bruin walk barefoot on a sunny day. I’m glad they keep bw reasonably clean. =)
I’m happy with the opportunities I’ve had, and although I may not have been the best prepared to make the most of all of them, I can’t say I never had a chance. And I stil have many more opportunities… it’s a big city, and while the bright lights might blind you for a little while, they illuminate many a path.
I’m happy with the people I’ve met. I’ve just been exposed to the many different ways people live and view life. True, it’s been hard on me… but at least I’m not as deluded anymore. I still am.. but at least I understand things a *little* better.
I’m still trying to be at peace with the lessons I’ve learned. I’ve learned how important it is to have a good compass. How expensive it is to live life, and how difficult it can be. How much my parents mean to me. How important it is to take care of the people you love, but also know when it’s time to let go before you lose yourself too. How, at the root of things, all you have is yourself…
but oh, it’s so much simpler to live your life for a cause than it is to live life for yourself..