more and more i find myself at a disconnect with the world around me. part of it is because i’m simply not as willing as i used to be to run around and make friends. it takes a lot of energy to perform the role of an interesting potential friend to a stranger, and i’m finding that as time goes on, i have less and less patience to do that self-revelation thing and the be-excited-about-everything thing. it’s great fun to be thought of as exciting and effervescent (or hyper and airheaded.. take your pick), but it’s a lot of work. all of one’s energy is concentrated on being entertaining and entertained, on the novelty of excitement instead of structured growth of a person.
it’s amazing how people are. it’s possible that by age 18, people can have mastered the performance of all of the menial tasks of living: writing, operating heavy machinery (read: a car), be a top tennis player, be a top mathematician, and so forth. It is possible for very young people to be very very gifted at certain professions, better than people much older than they.
So, then, what does it really mean to grow? Is it in skill? Or grace? Or happiness? Or practicality? Or cynicism? What’s “maturity” anyway?
Sometimes i look back on my freshman and sophomore years with such wonder: i had so much optimism and hope for the future. i expected my life path to turn out a certain way, believed that i could do anything, that I could change people to see a certain way, had certain preconceived notions of the way the world was, or at least was supposed to be. And you know, these have changed. My hope for the future has slightly dimmed, my life path seems shrouded with ferns and bushes, I have more realistic (perhaps too pessimisstic) views of what i can accomplish. I still have preconceived notions of how the world actually works, although those notions have changed, perhaps also somewhat pessimisstically.
I wrote a poem my sophomore year entitled “Today.” This is the only optimistic poem I’ve ever written, and probably ever will. Here’s the text:
—
Today
It is time to leap~!
Leap into the unknown, to tear into the bustle and madness
To yawp and dream and yank and dance!
Time to seize our destinies and meld them into realities!
Time to make good on the promise of our youth!
We are the star as yet undimmed by cynicism
Unsullied by disappointment
Untainted by sorrow
We walk the paths lined with broken hearts
Weep for them
And walk on, lifting up the torches of those who have fallen
Rekindling them
And marching forward, heads held high
For not just one, but two
Or three or four
Or more
For the dream is not just one
It is many
It is all
And the day to make it real is today.
—
When i wrote this poem, i still held onto the notion that I was one of those who would pick up a torch and walk on. These days, i’m really not so sure…
This should be my second to last quarter at UCLA, depending on if the fates decide to smile upon me or not. I’m attempting to get out with a degree in History and a minor in Anthropology. i’m really enjoying the anthropology classes i’m taking right now, partly because much of what i’ve been learning here at UCLA is finally starting to click. I’m understanding not only the material that’s being covered, but more importantly, I feel as if i’m beginning to really think about the world around me. I feel as if my college education may give me some sort of diploma, but I’m coming away with a deeper and broader understanding of the world and the structures of thinking within which we operate. I’m sure my professors don’t think so, since i’m as crappy of a kiss-up as always, but i’m feeling a very deep satisfaction with the knowledge i’m gaining. This knowledge means something to me, even if and when i’m unable to explain it to anyone else. This “explaining to other people” is something i need to work on, although i’m having a good time just sitting around and pondering for myself. =P
So here i am, finishing my fifth year at this university. I find myself more engrossed with what i’m learning, and less interested in being social. I still long for the excitement and fun of going out with friends and gettin’ all crazy every once in a while, but the glow of the patina has faded a little bit. I’m getting old and crotchety and boring. I really *like* school, although i’m really wishing we were on a semester system so I’d have more time to let it all sink in properly.
see? I’m complaining and wishing we had more school? what the faaah!
needless to say, i feel a little out of step with a lot of people, and my apathetic attitude toward making new friends doesn’t really help much. but i’m happy with who i am, i think. Although it saddens me sometimes that i’m no longer “cool,” i enjoy being able to take a few breaths and think about an intriguing idea for more than a minute. It’s sad though… i’m very out of practice with thinking. =P
who knows. maybe i’ll think my way back toward some sort of optimism, give it a solid base of reasoning instead of raw, youthful ambition.
hope springs eternal.