negotiating the awkward transition from ex-flame to just friends isn’t one that i’ve ever mastered. looking back, of the 5 guys i’ve ever dated, I only keep in touch with one, and it took a few years before we spoke with each other very much.
Guy number 2 called me a year after we broke up (just before I started college) to make sure I wasn’t going to his school.
Guy number 3 (the only one I ever loved) is probably very happily dating someone by now, and i could probably message him and say hi, I’m not online often enough to do it. I also don’t really know what to say. “hello, what’s new? i’m engaged now, how about you?” riiiight.
Guy number 4 is living with a good friend of mine (a strange coincidence), has a girlfriend, and only contacted me to get a CD back. Which I went to the trouble of retrieving from the actual person who borrowed it and proceeded to deliver it to his place of work myself because he couldn’t be bothered to actually think of a mutually beneficial solution. and of course, all i get is a curt “thanks.” whatever, you inconsiderate prick! rrrr!!
And then there’s guy number 5. We were never “officially” dating or anything like that, but there was an emotional attachment. Maybe it was one of those things of attraction that went awry. Who knows. anyway, I still think he’s a cool person, and it would be great if we could still be friends. But… I don’t really know how that’s possible.
how do you go from being ex-flames to being friends again? sure, it’s nothing impossible. it’s just that… there’s a guardedness there that wasn’t in the friendship initially. it creeps in because one remembers when they got burned a few months ago by the same person, and one wants to be strong to prove they don’t matter to you in that way anymore. Fear of being hurt again makes one erect walls in self-defense, that desire to be tough and strong keeps you from poking holes through it to see eye to eye. One is sometimes afraid they’ll poke your eye out, again.
it’s a funny thing. there are people you want to be close to and are cool enough to date … and it makes sense that if they’re cool enough to date, they’re someone you’d want as a friend too. but there’s not enough time to be friends with everyone. I mean this in the sense that people are very busy and don’t have time to spend with many people developing new friendships, but also in the sense that one doesn’t have time to wait out awkwardness to regrow an old friendship.
… and that makes me sad. I’d like to be friends with the people i’ve dated in the past because for the most part, they’re all really interesting people and made (before friends turned into flames) very good friends.
and of course, one always wonders how things might have turned out differently. what if the timing was better? what if something wasn’t in the picture? what would have happened had we faced this challenge together? if we didn’t? it’s somewhat idle pondering, kind of like skipping stones in a park while waiting for your friend to make the dropoff. (kidding!) the only difference is that this can make you sad looking back, feeling wistful of those memories where you shared some good laughs and some good memories…
short home movie clips in a photograph in my mind… the pictures crack a little bit, some of the colors have faded while others have taken on technocolor drama, and all are covered with that milky screen of memory. i’ll lock them up in my box a little longer…
and here I am now, having discovered a remarkable person with a mind that fascinates me and a spirit i can be so close to…
i’m ready to make some new memories…