the title is a reference to a cheeky song by british girl-pop group atomic kitten. I’m not sure if they’re still around anymore, and I don’t even know why I thought about it, but I was trying to think of a way to explain the strange feeling I have right now about the incipient new school year.
so i’ll say it. i’m nervous. after months and months of screwing up in school, I am actually coming close to getting my act together. after years of awful awful grades, i pulled A’s and B’s this summer (it’s amazing what can happen when you go to class!), and I’m hoping to keep that up this year. I have one more year left — I won’t be done until fall quarter — but I’m thinking of picking up an anthropology minor with that extra time. that might be some sort of justification to my taking foreeeeeeever in school?
and here i am, the night before classes start, and i can’t sleep. i’m restless, nervous, wondering if i’ll be able to cut it in these classes. i don’t *feel* smart. in fact, I feel dumber than I was when I first got to college. i look at some of my earlier writings and compare them to the stuff i churn out now for my classes. I think I struggle even more nowadays to put together a coherent sentence than I ever did when I was younger, and I no longer have easy answers for anyone, including myself. growing older doesn’t feel like i’m growing wiser, but rather that i just know less than I thought I did.
is that wisdom? who knows. at any rate, a friend and I were recently discussing a not-so-great experience both of us had with a student organization. I had gotten out before things had gotten too bad; she had stayed in and been summarily stripped of her position, despite her immense contributions in spite of very poor health. she reacted with a lot of anger and frustration… basically how I felt after my bad experience at the daily bruin. “why are things this way? it’s not fair!” and she was right… it wasn’t fair. I personally didn’t think it was very fair to her. A part of me thinks that it probably wasn’t fair to me either, but it’s not really so clear cut. what’s fair anyway?
the thing is, everyone here is learning, and people don’t always do what’s “fair.” They do what they think is right at the time, and it may or may not be the fair thing to do, but (hopefully) everyone learns from their actions. I learned a lot from the mistakes i made during my sophomore year — I learned how *not* to handle a position of leadership and the importance of keeping one’s mouth shut (though not the actual skill… still working on that), as well as the need to give a little and treat people like people, not as duties. People grow and change, and we have to resist our desires to box them up for our own ease of existence…
this is something i haven’t perfected yet either, although i survive on the graces of people who are willing to see that in me. but i try.
a friend once wrote in my high school yearbook, “you are proof that people ARE dynamic, and that they CAN change…” I didn’t know what to make of it at the time, but I have faith in the message, although I am ambivalent about its application toward me. people grow and change, sometimes for the better, sometimes not. and even though it’s sad sometimes to see innocence shattered, knowing that redemption is possible is a truly inspiring and exciting thing.
so here i am, penning what feels like “UC Personal Statement Part Two: The Second Four Years” the night before classes start. I’m nervous about a crowded campus; about running into not-quite-friends and acquaintances and having to explain myself; about navigating the human traffic jam that is UCLA during the school year; about being overrun by the new first years and their inspired attitudes. I’m nervous about traffic on the 405, and if i’ll make it to class on time. I’m nervous that my professors for the quarter will be horrible and unreasonably demanding and sink my newly-rising GPA. I have four more quarters to go — it seems like an eternity! I’m curious as to what’s in store. I’ll be 23 when I graduate. 23!! I’m the age of a lot of those Miss America pageant contestants, good gracious. And they seem OLD!
and yet, we are ALL so young… from that incoming freshman to the aging hippie driving the land rover to even alheimzer-ridden ronald reagan. so much yet to learn!
oooh.. i think i’m getting dizzy. good night.. and wish me luck. =)