My life is much simpler nowadays.
It’s something I’m really happy about. I don’t have drama, I don’t have all sorts of things nagging at me and tugging me in various directions. I don’t have to go to three different meetings every week. I’ve relaxed and convinced myself to not try as hard to be “best friends” with everyone. I’ve really learned to let things go.. or at least disappear so I don’t have to confront them. It’s not that I don’t love people anymore! I just really need to stay sane. 0_o
that said, I’ve also gotten even worse at keeping in touch with people. but the sad thing is… I feel less and less remorse over it. I noticed that someone I considered a very good friend — someone I grew up with — almost never mentions me in her weblog. This is natural… I barely talk to her. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to her. It’s more a measure of “it’s been so long since we talked” but at the same time, “I don’t need to tell you now, all in my blog.” Yet, there’s definitely something different about finding out how people are doing through weblogs instead of by talking to them. weblogs are never the whole truth, only snippets of odd little perceptions here and there. It’s not living life with them, not in the least. You might be getting their deepest thoughts on an issue, but sometimes not their most public. And how does one breach that? And how does one go, “Hey, I read about such and such on your weblog”? What kind of friend keeps tabs on another on that way? =(
This is how I’ve found I work. I have a number of friends I keep track of via weblog since we don’t see each other much anymore, and I have a feeling some of them keep track of me through mine. Every time I see them, it’s the same reminder that I’ve missed so much, that no web journal, no matter how complete, ever can encompass very much about what he or she is really doing/thinking/etc. It makes me a little bit sad. It makes me want to change that situation. But I find… in the recent months, I’ve become both more private and more public in different ways. This weblog is quite public — random people have found me online and said hi — and a bunch of my random thoughts are put out there for everyone to read. Then again, anyone who knows me knows that I tend to talk and talk for a lot of fluff, but will speak very little about things I truly care about. “all mirth” in my everyday conversation, maybe? does that seem fake?
At the same time as this public self is out there, I’m becoming less and less willing to really share myself with most people. I no longer have the assumption of trust. And this really makes me sad. It strikes me as a sort of tragic loss of idealism, some sort of somber realization that not everyone can be your best friend. I might have thought that way in the past, but I feel more numb to it now. Is that sad?
True friendship is hard to find. Finding friendship that is as dynamic as a person is is even harder. It makes one appreciate those true friends all the more. I know I don’t do enough for my friends to really be able to preach that, but they occupy a special place in my heart. I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell them…
on a side note…
I think I’m the kind of person who’s never expected to have really good, lasting friendships. I moved around a bit when I was growing up, so I don’t think I ever successfully navigated that part of my social development. So to those of you who are really my friends (and you know who you are), know that you are the world to me. :) thanks.