And focus isn’t dependent on what one might be doing: it doesn’t matter whether it’s biology or psychology or screenwriting or journalism. It is the loving, concentrated attention to matter at hand. I can make excuses all I want about how I wish I were a biology major, when what matters isn’t that they’re studying microorganisms (which I still find fascinating), but that they’re studying at all. I think that’s the thing I’m jealous of most of all. I’ve been looking for the focus, and the more I look, the more confused I get.
What I loved most about going to New York and my travels the summer after my sophomore year was the sense of freedom I suddenly felt. It was something as unremarkable as going to the supermarket and selecting a pear: just the fact that I could walk down to where I needed to go, that I could suddenly focus on myself and not fret about some odd roommate, whatever academic issues and what not, that somehow, it was okay to focus on myself and do what I wanted, and not feel tied to responsibilities, whether real or imagined. It was a scary thing at first, but with a little bravery, I got past my initial worries and relished in that freeing independence.
And since then… well, I’ve reverted to that fear… that bit of dependence on friends and activities of loved ones. I’m too afraid, and too desirous to love my friends and wanting their love in return, when depending on their love and fearing its loss is probably the worst thing for a person in the world. A person can’t love out of fear, and fearing the loss of love only makes it harder for love to happen. The love of my friends is not going to cause my success – that task is up to me.
… so I’ll need to put aside my fears and pursue my path. I’ve become dependent on others’ thinking, confusing myself and losing sight of who I am and what I want. And maybe like my experience in New York, I’ll be afraid at first. But when you’re free to do what you want to, and free to make the most of your life… well, there’s no better feeling than that.
I’m tired of writing about the people accomplishing this or changing the world in blahblah way. *I* want to make things happen too.